Mistress Mandara’s Emporium of Eldritch Arms, Enchanted Armour and Arcane Curios. You probably know it by its more common name: The Magnificent Emporium.
The Magnificent Emporium is a SOLO Crafting, Enchanting and Adventuring tabletop game. Hire Adventurers to seek Exotic Crafting Components, Accept Commissions from Colorful Customers, and Create Legendary Arms and Armour.
Latest Updates from Our Project:
The Test Print was a COMPLETE FAILURE! Hooray!!!
8 months ago
– Tue, Jan 23, 2024 at 03:54:25 PM
Update Summary:
Let's PLAY... The Waiting Game!
Test Print = FAILURE! Yippee!!!
The Tins Have Completed Their Perilous Overseas Voyage!
We have received our Test Card Print and... it was a COMPLETE FAILURE!!!
Hooray!!!
(Uh. What?)
Well, its WAY BETTER than having the ACTUAL PRINT RUN turn out to be a HUGE FAILURE!
(Wow. You have REALLY lowered the bar, haven't you?)
Not at all. Allow me to explain...
(Ugh. Please don't...)
Actually, the test print turned out quite nicely. Everything LOOKS great. The mistakes that were discovered in the PLAYTEST PRINT RUN were fixed (mostly the Backs of some cards being FLIPPED relative to the Fronts). And, of course, all the (demanded!) Playtest Dummy changes.
What DID happen, however, was that a NEW, GLARING issue was discovered: a few REALLY IMPORTANT cards (some Augments that are CRITICAL to gameplay) did NOT get uploaded into the batch properly. IF we had SKIPPED the Test Print (something I was considering to save both money AND time!), it is highly likely that EVERYONE would have received a COMPLETELY BOTCHED and UNPLAYABLE game!
(Ha! I would expect NOTHING LESS from you!!!)
Of course, I would have fixed it, BUT that would have required printing out 3 cards for everyone and mailing them out to everyone separately (or waiting to swap out IF the problem was caught prior to fulfillment). Even with expedited printing and shipping, that would have been ANOTHER delay of several weeks AND a CONSIDERABLE unexpected expenditure to me.
(Wait. Are you saying it would have cut into our World Dominations funds?!?)
Yep.
(#@%&*$^#&$*#@&!!!)
Colossal, language!
(Sorry. I meant 'poop'.)
That's better.
The Tins Have Completed Their Perilous Overseas Voyage!
The Custom-Printed Tins have now ARRIVED at Colossal Endeavors World Headquarters and are SAFELY stowed hundreds of feet underground (that's like half a dozen centimeters for those that speak the ancient, dead language of Metric).
(Wow. Your Measurement skills are even WORSE than your Game Design Skills.)
It was a bit touch and go there.
Hurricanes...
(wrong season)
Earthquakes...
(those don't affect boats)
Somali Pirates in the Red Sea dropping TRUTH bombs!!!
(Okay, yes, there WERE some pirates doing piratey things, BUT they were Yemeni, NOT Somali. The Tins did NOT travel anywhere NEAR the Red Sea. And truth bombs aren't a thing. Please let me know if anyone knows of a Squishy looking for a new brain box companion. This one is just too dumb for words... or letters... or even basic hand signals.)
Still. *I* was scared.
CURRENT Printing Estimate: April 2nd
Our estimated completion for the LAST PIECE of this whole dastardly exercise - PRINTING THE CARDS! - is holding steady at April 2nd. The estimate dropped briefly to mid-March and then popped back up again.
THEN, the cards will need to brave a PERILOUS OVERLAND JOURNEY to get to Colossal Endeavors World Headquarters...
(If you even REMOTELY HINT at anything to do with Mad Max, I will squish your overripe gourd as if it was... a REALLY, REALLY overripe gourd!)
Noted, but let's be real. A Mad Max scenario is so COMPLETELY UNLIKELY to happen... BEFORE the American Presidential Election in November.
Yours in Colossal Mayhem,
Ken
(Colossal Ken)
[Mistress Mandara]
QUICK Production Update and a SNEAK PEAK at The Waiting Game!
10 months ago
– Tue, Dec 05, 2023 at 05:17:31 PM
Quick Production Update!
Let's Play... THE WAITING GAME!!! (no, seriously, it's an actual GAME - read on...)
QUICK Production Update!
1) All Dice have been received and are currently being stored at Colossal Endeavors Global Headquarters.
(AKA Corny Ken's garage)
2) Custom-printed metal tins are being printed as we speak and will be on their way to us via a slow boat from China (I assume that it's China 'cause the letters looked all funky).
(Isn't saying 'metal' AND 'tin' redundant, dummy?)
3) Custom-printed cloth bags (that protect the tins AND serve as a Crafting Token draw bag) are done and gathering dust in storage.
4) A test FINAL copy of the cards has been ordered. Estimated date of production WAS December 28th, BUT I ponied up some extra cash to RUSH the order. I had some leftover cashola from a rather successful early investment in Bitcoin. The RUSH should get the test copy produced in a couple days AND then shipped semi-rapido (super-rapido would have cost more than one and a half of my kids - the wife did NOT approve the shipping upgrade).
(Are you SURE you want to blow your ENTIRE early Bitcoin investment?!? I mean, that initial $0.73 investment could turn into hundreds of dollars in... like... HUNDREDS OF YEARS!)
IF THE MANUFACTURING ESTIMATES HOLD UP AND THERE ARE NO MAJOR PROBLEMS WITH THE TEST SET, we SHOULD be able to do the FULL print run starting early JANUARY with an estimated production time of 10 weeks and a shipping time of 2-4 weeks (super cheapo ground shipping across the plains of the United States - most likely on covered wagons being pulled by over-the-hill oxen). Then the FUN of assembling, packing and shipping out to y'all. I estimate that assembly, packing and shipping should only take a couple weeks.
(if my math is correct, that sounds like it will get to Backers nearly NINE MONTHS after you originally promised)
'Promise' is a strong word. I think of it more like an educated guess or optimistic estimate...
(EDUCATED?!? Ha! That makes me laugh! Good one, dummy.)
5) Based on YET ANOTHER Playtest Dummy suggestion, we will be adding a custom-printed component organizing / card separating / token segregating / neatness enhancing thingy. I don't know what else to call it. Either way, I think it's super cool beyond the fact that it's costing me MORE MONEY (like EVERY suggestion EVER made by EVERY Backer and / or Playtest Dummy throughout all of HISTORY!).
(Geesh. This guy really goes loco over an additional $0.06 per game.)
6) The magnet test was a HUGE success, BUT it is also a HUGE, unexpected expense. It looks like we will stick to the original plan of using a handful of marker magnets (for keeping track of Upgrades, Prestige and Gold only). The GOOD NEWS (for me, anyway) is that the cool magnet idea might serve as a way for me to bilk ye Backers outta more cold, hard cash! Yippee!!!
(Don't forget "funding my plans for World Domination"!)
How can I forget? You never shut up about it...
Let's Play... THE WAITING GAME!!!
No, seriously, it's an actual GAME that we all will PLAY while we wait for The Emporium to bake.
Let's face it: The BEGINNING of a Kickstarter is FUN...
(especially when you have ME entertaining the masses of gulliblesquishies)
... and the END of a Kickstarter is FUN because you get that super duper fun thing you have been patiently waiting for...
(Ha! NOT with YOUR Kickstarters! Less 'fun' and more 'stupendous disappointment with a sprinkling of blind rage'!)
BUT the MIDDLE part is kinda just boring. No more Updates (all the work is done), no more stories about development or calls for feedback or work for the Playtest Dummies to do. No more surveys or comments. Just FLAT. Bo-ring.
WE ARE GOING TO CHANGE ALL THAT with The WAITING GAME!
(Oh, yay, a game about WAITING. Maybe I picked the wrong planet... again.)
NO. Not a game ABOUT waiting, but a game WHILE WE WAIT.
While we are waiting for the main components to be manufactured, we intend to host a "Waiting Game" involving ALL Backers of ALL Colossal Endeavors projects! The GOAL is to have some fun, laugh a tad AND offer up a bunch of cool prizes.
If you want to keep tabs on the Waiting Game preparations (and maybe even contribute some ideas!) then be sure to follow @ColossalKen on the InstantGrammar social media thingy (they really should consider a different name) or @ColossalKen on Elon Musk's formerlyX-rated Tweeter thingy (again, maybe another name for that one, too).
It will be simple. Some cool prizes. Play any time and from anywhere (except Australia - everything is upside down and backwards there). No cost to participate.
(No cost to participate?!? Prizes?!?! We're not running a charity here!!!)
[This STUPID Waiting Game better not interfere with the making of MY game!!!]
No worries, Mistress. Your Cabana Boys are in good hands. Oh, wait...
(HAAAA! I'll BET they are!!!)
Oy. Signing off...
Yours in Colossal Mayhem,
Ken and (Colossal Ken) and [Mistress Mandara]
Quickstart Instructions and How to Play Card Backs (some SPOILERS)
10 months ago
– Tue, Nov 28, 2023 at 01:43:36 PM
A Visual Update for Backers Who Don't Read Too Good
AGAIN, I VERY MUCH appreciate your patience! While the serious DELAY is not fun for any of us...
(Speak for yerself! I LOVE watching you BOTCH everything that you touch! Ha!)
Correction: the serious delay is not fun for MOST of us.
However, I must say that the final product is turning out WORLDS BETTER than I ever dreamed possible. I hope you all agree!
(I can't wait to hear their feedback... assuming they are still alive by the time you're done. You squishies really do live such a short time. That reminds me, maybe I should start looking for another brain box to inhabit when the current one croaks. Preferably, something more SPACIOUS.)
Quickstart Instructions (draft mockup)
'How to Play' Instructions Now Added to the BACKS of some Cards (some SPOILERS)
Quickstart Instructions (draft mockup)
I am finishing up ALL the changes that the FANTASTIC Playtest Dummies suggested.
(maybe THEY should do some game designing of their own)
Careful. We DO NOT need the competition!
(Too true. You seem to keep coming in LAST place when it's just a competition between you and yourself.)
Due to space limitations, we have decided to include QUICKSTART instructions as a tri-fold. The FULL instructions will be available in PDF format. This will fit INSIDE the metal tin. These are in DRAFT form which means that there is some formatting still to do AND a few typos.
'How to Play' Instructions Now Added to the BACKS of some Cards (some SPOILERS)
Along the same lines as the "Quickstart Instructions," we have added instructions on the BACK of each 'Facility Card'. The goal is to reduce the number of times that Players will need to go hunting for rules in the rule book.
That is all...
Yours in Colossal Mayhem,
Ken, (Colossal Ken), and [Mistress Mandara]
RED ALERT! We have some competition, folks!
10 months ago
– Thu, Nov 09, 2023 at 12:17:02 PM
Summary of this Update:
RED ALERT! We have some competition, folks!
The Playtest Dummies Have Done it AGAIN! (i.e., extensive Changelog PLUS PICTURES!)
OPINION NEEDED: Magnet Concept for Using the Metal Tin AS THE PLAYSURFACE!
RED ALERT! We have some competition, folks!
Greetings, Colossal Connoisseurs!
(Brace yourselves! I have some bad news.)
Well, there’s some good news, too. Towards the bottom of this Update.
(Zip it, Sunshine!)
Zipped.
(It has come to my attention that there is an artist of growing renown that appears to be horning in on our plans for World Domination.)
Oh, dear!
(By my estimation, if this humanoid continues on her current path of fame and glory, she will approximate my artistic brilliance in LESS THAN a century!)
Say it ain’t so!
(‘Tis so. If we do not immediately alter our plans for World Domination, this she-devil could overtake Colossal Endeavors as this world’s prime institution of brainwashing and psychological fan manipulation.)
But I thought we were making great, albeit slow, progress towards our eventual goals.
(S-L-O-O-O-O-W is right. HOW MANY MONTHS are you behind on The Emporium?)
Hey, that hurts! Can we please stop talking about MY failings as a game designer and get back to this despicable mystery person you were talking about?
(I doubt you’ve heard of her. You don’t lurk in the deep dark shadows like I do. This monster goes by the name of Taylor Swift. AS IF that’s her real name! What is she hiding?!?)
Taylor Swift? But she’s fantastic. Every time I hear one of her songs, I just want to get out of my chair and wiggle my bum.
(NO ONE cares about your bum!)
That’s probably true. And also kinda sad.
(Not really. Don’t be fooled. She may be “incredibly talented” and “sweet as pie” and “refreshingly humble” and as “cute as a button” and “an entrepreneurial wizard,” but she is still THE ENEMY!)
Sounds like you’re a fan!
(That’s neither here nor there!)
Don’t forget: she also loves and appreciates her fans!
(Bah! Fans are NOT meant to be loved and appreciated. They are meant to be tolerated and manipulated. Just ask Wizards of the Coast!)
Ouch! That stings!
(Too much?)
Kinda.
(Well, starting today, we have updated our plans for World Domination to take into account this Swift humanoid and her shadowy cabal of “Swifties” - ugh, what a horrible name!)
Sounds like SOMEBODY… IS… JEALOUS.
(Stuff it!)
Stuffed.
Here is the new plan. We couldn’t share ALL of the details of the plan. When we couldn’t, we tried to gives reasons why. We highlighted the ones that were recently added to the plan:
Make really mediocre games for super cheap
############ REDACTED ############# (currently illegal in EVERY country on this planet EXCEPT the United States of America - they have ALL the freedoms including the BAD ones!)
Make the games faster than REALLY SLOW (this one needs A LOTTA work)
############ TOP SECRET-ish ############
* Wear more sparkly outfits
############ MOSTLY TOP SECRET ############
* Increase number of mindlessly fanatical fans to 100 billion(Taylor is now gaining traction across MULTIPLE worlds! We need to keep up!)
############ MORE TOP SECRET THAN NOT ############
############ CLASSIFIED (ADS) ############ (for Ken when he finally evicts Colossal from his brain box)
*Talk smack about former lovers in public
############ Accidentally Deleted ############ (reminder to always keep a backup!)
############ EYES ONLY + EARS AND NOSE ONLY ############ (must be for Ken since Colossal Ken doesn’t have those things)
* Merch. lots and Lots and LOTS of MERCH!(mostly with an artist rendering of what we think Colossal Ken’s head would look like)
############ REDACTED ############# (for political correctness)
############ REDACTED ############# (for reason that the word ‘redacted’ is really cool and not used enough)
* Wiggle bum to the beat of our own music(KEN, DID YOU SNEAK THIS ONE IN HERE?!?)
############ REDACTED ############# (for international law reasons - mostly in The Netherlands, Brazil and parts of Antarctica)
(Remember: We are ALLin this together!)
Translation: "If things don't go Colossal's way, he will throw ALL of us under the bus... and then STOMP on it and then set it on fire and then throw it over a cliff."
(Was I not clear?)
Crystal.
The Playtest Dummies Have Done it AGAIN! (i.e., extensive Changelog)
I'm not gonna say that we were heading towards a train wreck of EPIC proportions before the Playtest Dummies came along...
(but it's true)
... BUT, I will say that the Playtest Dummies have done a spectacular job of identifying some changes that make the game WAY better!
(AKA 'identifying' your bonehead mistakes and telling you how to FIX them)
Let's not waste our time splitting hairs.
Here's a BRIEF list of changes that we have made so far:
Combined Delve Cards, Combat Encounter Cards and Loot Cards into a SINGLE Card that covers everything.
Clarified the Adventuring process for Finding, Exploring and Combat.
Increased the number Rare, Epic and Legendary crafting components (to replace the removed Armour components).
[IN PROGRESS] Changed a rule preventing the identical Crafting Component Tokens from "clogging" up the Marketplace.
Replaced physical Gold pieces (to track Gold) Gold Tracking Card. This one was also tough. The physical pieces are nice little baubles, BUT with the cards approach fixed THREE different issues: 1) space limitations within the tin, 2) additional production cost, and 3) (most important) play surface clutter. This game already has LOTS of stuff going on with the play surface. Most stuff just seems to lead to more CHAOS.
Combined Prestige Tracking and Gold Tracking on to ONE card to streamline play surface.
[IN PROGRESS] Added basic instructions to some cards (front or back depending on the card) to lessen the "flipping through the rulebook" syndrome.
Simplified the Roll Tables for Find Delve Location, Explore the Delve and Loot (following a successful Combat Encounter).
Changed the rarity orbs to a less confusing color.
Added Upgrade costs directly to the Facility Upgrade Cards.
Increased the difficulty of the Delves by reducing the number of Skills per Adventurer and increasing the Hiring Costs of Adventurers.
Eliminated redundant Adventurer Skills.
Alphabetized the Adventurer Skills Reference Card.
Added the ability to 'reset' the Marketplace at the cost of some Prestige.
Changed the name of "Common Crafting Commissions" to "Basic Crafting Commissions" (the 'Common' word was confusing as it is too similar to the 'common' used to denote rarity.
Added the Prestige values to the Masterwork Crafting Commissions.
Removed so overpowered Adventurer Skills that made the Adventuring too easy (and LESS fun!)
Reduced the Prestige rewards gained while Adventuring (to balance the need to BOTH Craft AND Adventure).
Removed both Basic Armour Crafting and Masterwork Armour Crafting from the game. This was a tough one, but their were too many Crafting Components and Commissions making the game more unwieldy than it needs to be.
Redesigned the Upgrade cards to horizontal to accommodate a more efficient game setup and layout.
Introduced the ability to use magnets and the metal tin to keep Tracking and Facility cards neat and orderly while playing (see below).
Various design element changes to facilitate learning the game AND / OR cosmetic enhancements.
Various BEFORE and AFTER Playtesting Images
The TOP LEFT cards (4 of them!) have now been COMBINED into just ONE (front and back).
OPINION NEEDED: Magnet Concept for Using the Metal Tin AS THE PLAYSURFACE!
We are currently working on a concept whereby the METAL TIN actually BECOMES THE PLAYSURFACE! This will require quite a few itty, bitty, teensy, weensy magnets. However, I THINK I can swing it IF y'all think this is a worthwhile direction to head in.
Please post your yays or nays in the Comments.
The magnets would be the SMALLEST that I can possibly find! Still looking... (they aren't cheap!).
This is a magnet mockup using the OLD card designs. Can be used INSIDE the tin lid OR on the OUTSIDE of the tin lid. Upgrade and Prestige / Gold will actually be LANDSCAPE (meaning the tin lid will be PORTRAIT just like in the other picture).
Signing off...
Yours in Colossal Mayhem,
Ken
The (sample) TINS are IN...s.
12 months ago
– Thu, Sep 21, 2023 at 04:03:52 PM
In this Episode of "Will this game every be done?!?"...
Sample Printed Tins Have ARRIVED!
Wow. It looks like this game MIGHT ACTUALLY become a reality!
(Uh. Isn't that what you promised when you started this whole Kickstarter thing?)
I was crossing my fingers. Doesn't count.
The big concern was whether the dice would fit...
(Yes, these are the actual dice you can expect in the final game - you're welcome.)
... and there is LITERALLY like 0.0000001 inches or kilometers or whatever to spare!
